after a pregnancy loss...

it seems like almost every friend i have has been through a loss of pregnancy. but i have a feeling i was the first of us to ever go through it & i had to do it all on my own. i was only 18 years old. i had only been out of high school for one year. i was over 800 miles away from my family. i had no friends except my boyfriend (who is now my husband, by the way). and his mother hated me (at the time, she loves me now). and everybody was happy that my baby died, except me. at least, that's how i felt at the time.

so in effort to help a dear little friend who is going through this right now, i decided to write a list of sorts to let her know what to expect. how crazy her heart is going to feel for a while. how crappy her life will feel for a while. but also, Who to turn to and Who to trust even when you don't want to or can't understand.

i'm also going to write a post soon about infertility & the stupid stages that come along with that, too.

yeah, my life hasn't been easy. can ya tell? :)

ok, sweet darlin...here's how it might play out:

*you'll want to cry, even when there seems to be no more tears, even when you feel dehydrated. and it's ok to cry.

*you'll want to scream & yell about the unfairness of it all. you'll want to scream at God & tell Him He sux. and it's ok. He understands & He still loves you.

*you'll want people to actually acknowledge your loss, even when nothing they say will make you feel better or even be the right thing for them to say. and it's ok for their words to upset you even when you want them to say SOMETHING.

*you'll want to curl up into a ball & die. and it's ok to feel this way, but only for a little while.

*you'll want someone to just hold you. my arms are here.

*you'll need to talk about it. it's ok to talk about it. some people will try to make you feel like it's a taboo subect but it's not. my ears are here too.

*you'll want to hit something or somebody. i suggest a gym with a bag :)

*you'll want to smack all pregnant women. please don't go to jail! seriously, it's very normal to feel this way. just remember, you wouldn't wish your pain on anyone.

*you'll want to snatch every infant you see. again, no jail time.

*you'll want to seriously hurt every bad mother you see. especially those who only see their children every few days much less actually raising them themselves. take a breath, pray for them, pray for their children & let it go.

*you'll want to cry some more. it's ok. just cry as much as you want.

my heart hurts for all women who have to experience this life altering tragedy. my prayer for you is that you get through. get through & grow & cling to our Savior. know Him more, my friends. know His heart. He loves you so.